Over the past five years, I have experienced more confusion and turmoil than my 10-year-old self ever thought was possible for my future. When you’re ten, you imagine things for yourself that seem to be impossible. You have the entire world at your feet and time feels like it will never run out. I remember for the longest time I was certain that I would have my own Disney Channel show, if not, movie. I also thought that I would be a doctor, join the Peace Corps, and become a professional soccer player. These are some pretty outlandish careers for me to obtain, but I had huge dreams for myself. Next to those huge dreams, I had an overwhelming among of love and support that surrounded me. But this love and support came with conditions.
Being young and able to be exposed to all different kinds of activities was fun, until my father realized that I inherited an insane amount of athleticism and was playing at a level well above my age group. He started to meet people and made me try out for teams where I didn’t know anyone. At first, this was fun. I was meeting new people and best of all, I was closer to my dad than ever before. He was so proud of me and showed up to absolutely everything, despite the conflicts happening at home between him and my mom. He was there. As I progressed and joined more teams, there were more strings attached and way more to lose (as I would later learn).
Wanting to have sleepovers with my friends or sneak in a couple skate at Roller Kingdom on a Friday night was off the table when it came to my dad. I either had a soccer game the next day (which could’ve been at noon and this man would still make it a point to wake me up at 7. IN. THE. MORNING.) or “family time,” which consisted of me sitting in different rooms throughout the day watching Sex in the City and Wizards of Waverly Place.
I put up with this for some time and complied with everything he said because seeing him get so upset with me over little things like losing a game or wanting to spend time with my friends over him was not something that was worth it to me. Time became a little shorter from the time I was 10 and I started to come to terms with what I wanted for my life and who I wanted to be. At this point, I started high school and going into this school I knew approximately 17 people. Because of my personality this forced me to get involved with the school, and I did so through the one thing I always knew…
Soccer.
I made the Varsity Team as a Freshman, which really gave my father something to brag about, but through soccer I met probably one of the most inspiration women I will ever meet in my lifetime named Nayla Garcia. She introduced me to student council and from there I was hooked. Being a part of student council and leadership quickly became a passion of mine, and that was something my father couldn’t understand. Also, through being involved and going through just being a teenage girl in high school, I met a boy and fell in love (you’ll probably read about him next week….). Into my sophomore year, I made the decision that I didn’t want to play club soccer anymore. So you can probably already guess, my father was not a happy camper. On top of that, he found out about my boyfriend, didn’t approve of the school sanctioned activities that I was a part of, and didn’t like my opinions on his extracurricular activities.
Long story short, I was kicked out of his house. I had experienced some hardships up to this point, but him kicking me out was the icing on the cake and this send me into a full-fledged depression. I never in a million years thought that the man who was supposed to love me always and without conditions, would so easily remove me from his life. He went without speaking to me for weeks on end and made me feel replaceable. One thing that he told me that I will never ever forget is
“You’ll need me before I need you.”
That statement has stuck with me for years and I have made sure that I will never need any man who treats me like I’m replaceable. Does he have things that I would like to have or be a part of? Sure. Do I miss having a dad? Most definitely. But I know that I deserve more than to be pushed aside because of my opinions or actions that, ultimately, didn’t end up hurting anyone. I will never understand the thought process of removing your child from your life. He felt like he lost control of me and so the easiest thing to do was get rid of me. I’m not moldy bread. I’m not an old pair of cleats. I am not a scratched Usher CD. I am a your daughter, and if nothing else, I am a human being.
As the best rapper alive, Drake stated, “The first love is the sweetest, but the first cut is the deepest.” My dad was my first love. The first man who showed me how good it feels to be loved unconditionally until you’re not. He also showed me that the way he was able to treat me and the other women that were in and out of my life is not a lifestyle I will accept for myself when it comes time for me to be serious about love. I also learned that family can betray you and no one deserves a love that is unconditional. I will always remove myself from toxic situations and relationships because like I said.. time is getting shorter. We don't have time to waste or stress about people or things that don't give us the same energy.
Hi Jordyn,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. This is very sensitive information, and I wonder if a public blog is the best idea - for your own sake. Let's talk, ok?
Dr. Hall
Although I don't hold any sort of degree, I think writing about your past is cathartic.
DeleteThe advantage of making it public is that you may be of help to someone else whose circumstances are similar, helping that person realize that he or she is not alone and that there are others out there who might care.
Honesty about your feelings is a good thing, so many people never figure out how to be straightforward. :)
But I'd suggest using a different name instead of your real one for safety reasons. There are lots of people out there, heads full of eels and hearts full of darkness who might make difficulties for you.
PS... Your great uncle sent me here, too.
I think everyone at some point has had to learn how to let go of people that don't give as much as they take from you the hard way.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman who had a toxic (although in a totally different way) relationship with my Dad, I can tell you that one of my biggest regrets was that I waited until he was on his death bed before I told him I forgave him. We had been estranged for over 20 years. He died less than 2 weeks later, and although I was thankful to be able to do that, it will take a bit more time for me to forgive myself for not taking those steps much earlier.
ReplyDeletehttps://uxmovement.com/content/why-you-should-never-use-pure-black-for-text-or-backgrounds/
ReplyDeleteYour father loves you. And he is a human being too.
ReplyDelete