There are so many different steps to moving on that no one talks about. There is so much you want to say and do, but in the moment, you don’t know what you’re doing it for or who you’re doing it for. And when you’re in these situations where you are going through the process of ending something with someone – you forget about all the other times where you did it before. How you grieved, accepted, and carried on is the most distant memory and it’s so vague.
There are so many different ideas out there about how you should move on and how you should come to terms with accepting what you deserve, so we try them, and if you’re desperate like me…. You try them all.
I, not so recently, got out of a relationship that I put all of my heart into. I have never wanted anything more in this life for this relationship to be the one that would work because I fucking deserve for something to work. I don’t deserve to be the girl who came before the wife or the woman you create your first child with. I don’t deserve to be moved to the side when distance gets hard or insecurities grow. This relationship came at a very pivotal time in my being. At this point, I knew soccer wasn’t going to last forever for me and that I had no idea what I was going to make of myself or what I believed in. I put every last ounce of perseverance, drive, and hope into aiding this person into falling in love with me because I knew I could give him (and I wanted to give him) everything I feel everyone deserves.
And now, I’m left without hope, without drive, and without perseverance. It’s not solely because of him. The pressure to please put me here. This has been a buildup of being an athlete, a leader, a daughter, a sister, a student, and a woman. When I found him, it was at a time where I didn’t see anything going for myself – but the only thing I could see clearly was being a mother and a wife. I don’t know if this is because I didn’t see my life progressing this far. I could’ve been dead 6 years ago. I wanted to be dead 6 years ago. I have to live everyday knowing that I tried to do that to myself but pouring into him helped ease the pain because I didn’t have to think about myself. All I had to do was make sure I did everything right by him because I was going to spend my life with him.
How stupid is that? To know that you are pouring into someone to forget about yourself. I’m fully aware of the dependency and unhealthy habits that come with this and not focusing on myself, but it was so much easier to do, and it still is. I, also, know that I have to heal all this pain myself so that I can actually give someone the love they deserve and that will be reflected back unto me. But I also know that what I have in my heart for this person is an abundance of love and selfishness. I don’t feel like I got what I deserved or what I worked for. I don’t feel like I got to be on the receiving end of love, admiration, and respect as much as I should’ve been.
Sitting down to write this has allowed me to open my mind further than it has than me just sitting on the statement that this is a good man who has dealt with some fucked up things and has made mistakes. Writing this has made me realize that, you had the pleasure of having someone like me love you and it was an honor to love you. How can I not want you to move on when I know your home and your heart isn’t with me? It hurts so much to think about what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with – but you deserve to find your home, don’t you? I just wish I didn’t put the burden on myself to be that for you, but that is just something I have to work on.
So, to you,
I will love you forever. I won’t forget about how you looked at me when you were in the shower and asked me to marry you. I won’t forget about the adrenaline rush I would get to drive an hour after an 8 hour shift just to sleep next to you. I won’t forget about climbing on the roof to watch the stars or how you taught me how to make the most perfect French fries. I hope that one day soon I can say, truthfully, that I hope you find someone that makes you feel the way I felt when we were at our best and that she has the same dedication to you when you guys are at your worst. I’m not there yet, but I’ll get there.
Oh you bet there’s a Backlash coming…. And I can’t wait for the Elections to come this November, There will be a shift in power unless these elections are rigged like the last presidential election. I think if that happens again in this country I believe it will lead to another revolutionary war. I truly believe Americans need to wake up we don’t have a Democrat problem we have a politician problem the republicans are on board with the rules for thee but not for me all of them get to do insider trading including their families but if us common folks did it we would go to prison. Politicians DO NOT have to pay into Social Security, but we are FORCED to pay into a system that our Politicians both Democrat and Republicans have almost bankrupt. Once they retire they collect a pension for the rest of their lives, over 150,000 a year(not taxed i believe). After 20 years of service my small retirement check ia taxed, federal, state, SS, you get the jist. If you actually look at all the taxes that you pay over 50% of your income is going to taxes so the taxes so the American government has become has become what we fought against in the Revolutionary War. The WORKING CLASS is taxed to death while people are allowed to sit at home and collect welfare and disability for being obese, I’m not being mean this is a fact. People want free health care which the United States probably could afford if our welfare system was an abused so much there are so many people that have babies just to collect more money so they don’t have to work. Our government is still paying people to stay home and not work, How can they say they’ve created over 600000 jobs when everyone is everyone is hiring places have had to shut down because people don’t have to work. Why work when Bidumb sends you Free Money? Americans wake up if they’re not working they’re getting money from somewhere to survive so it’s coming from the government. We have women that collect welfare while they say their boyfriends don’t live with them and their boyfriends are out making thousands of dollars the dollars it’s reported to the state and they do nothing about it. We send billions and billions of dollars to foreign countries in aid while we have children in America starving to death, We have the elderly who can’t afford to barely live and they worked in our country their entire lives. We have a war at home in our country the government against the American people. I took a note at 17 years old to die from my country when I joined the United States Army, Part of that oath said I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic. Every police officer every politician every service member takes this oath any one of those public servants enforces enforces any of these mandates that this corrupt tyrannical government is trying to force on the American people is Justice guilty for treason and tyranny against American citizens and citizens and every single 1 of them should resign from their positions. I am almost 50 years old and to this day even though I’m retired after 20 years and I’ve been retired for almost 10 years I will still die from my country and the freedom that I defended for 20 years of my life and now both of my sons are in the army defending that same freedom and they would die for their country too in any American who is not willing to stand up against this tyrannical You should be ashamed to yourselves and leave this country and go live in Russia Iran Venezuela because that is what America is going to become if this administration is allowed to continue to destroy our country and take away our freedoms. They did it once and Americans coward and obeyed this Socialist, leaning towards Communist government with the pandemic what’s next, What Americans what next is going to come when we get these people out of our Government!
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