This one will probably be most difficult to write about, so
bear with me.
I feel like we have a lot of expectations when it comes to
relationships, love, and how we feel like it should look and feel. All of these
expectations were thrown out the window for me after my last realish relationship (link to that blog:
https://lessonsfrommyexes.blogspot.com/2019/03/lessons-from-boy-with-accent.html).
So I stopped looking. I was about to start going to a new school in a new place
so I had the mindset that I was just going to do me, until I was there for
about two days and it hit me right in my face.
It was just another day after a day of practice, and I was
sitting with my team eating dinner. All of a sudden I look up and see probably
the most beautiful human being on the planet. Y'ALL. I didn’t believe in love at
first sight until I saw this man. I was just in awe. I felt this weird pull
that I just had to know him. I had to love him. It was the weirdest thing I
have ever felt. After I saw him, I had all these feelings but I, also, felt
like I was never going to see him again because I was seeing a bunch of new
faces everyday (and that’s just my luck…). Boy, was I wrong.
I had plans to watch the season finale of the Bachelorette
with my team and I had told one of my friends about this boy. Not even two
minutes later did I see him again and actually met him! When I tell you I hated
this experience of meeting him more than anything… I HATED THIS EXPERIENCE MORE
THAN ANYTHING. He introduced himself to me and I actually stuttered so badly
that my body got physically hot because of the amount of embarrassment I was
feeling. It was like straight out of a movie.
After this, things moved pretty fast and I pursued him
pretty heavily. For a while, I didn’t know what it was. Did I want a
relationship? Did I want to just hang out and see how it went? I really had no
idea. All I knew was that I wanted him… BAD. From where I was standing, there
were a lot of mixed signals because I had no clue what I wanted and lied about
it to him. But to be fair, he was clear with the fact that he didn’t want a
relationship. So, I said what I thought he wanted to hear.
A lot of things happened and changed during the months we
spent together. He was going through his own stuff and I was going through
mine, but these were all things that brought me closer to him and made me love
him so hard. My heart was constantly in excruciating pain. Not because of our
rough patches, but how determined I was to see him through absolutely
everything because of how much love and effort I put into this. He was my
confidant. Anything in this world I could give him, I would and for some time,
that same energy was reciprocated. Going through all the things I was going through
at the time, he was there. He made me have the biggest smiles, the hardest belly
laughs, and gave me the heaviest butterflies. In conclusion, I was supposed to
love him. There are days where I regret it all because I brought all this
heartache on myself. I don’t really want to talk about how it ended right now, but
that regret only lasts for seconds and then I realize he taught me more about
myself than I would’ve learned otherwise.
I learned that it is possible to break your own heart. I,
also, learned that my loyalty and dedication to something is my greatest
treasure, as well as, my biggest flaw. I learned that love truly is blind. I am
better now because of him. I figured out that sometimes things just aren’t meant
to be how you picture them to be and there’s nothing wrong about that. Coming
to terms with what you feel like you deserve and how you move on is the hardest
part of regaining the parts of yourself that got lost in vulnerability and rebuilding
your heart. I feel better now, but it took so much time. In situations like
these it feels like time is always working against you. Right now, I can’t get
with the whole “loving yourself” movement because I feel like it is so broad.
Focusing on what you want from yourself in real time is what got me through
this and is getting me through this. Doing this has pushed so many new opportunities
on me that I have accepted with open arms.
So, to you.
Loving you was the best. Even when we were being crazy, laughing
at everything was so easy. I have so many things I want to say to you and
things I want you to understand, and maybe one day I’ll get the chance and
courage to do so. But for now, thank you for teaching me all of these things
about myself. You’ll always hold a place in my heart. Don’t forget how special
you are to this world and to the people who rock with you.
“But still cheers to being honest. Neither of us knew what
we wanted, but all we knew is that we cared. Still all we painted was a moment.
And when I walked away, I left footsteps in the mud so you could follow me.” – Kehlani
feat. Musiq Soulchild
P.S. That entire song is straight poetry and helped me get
through this experience. Give it a listen if you need some clarity on your
situation.
Comments
Post a Comment