Lessons From My Exes

  I’ve tried to write this a million times because trying to decide how I want to express my feelings is really difficult on this one…   (This is not about an ex, btw)   I think I’m going to write this one mostly in letter format, so here we go.   To You,   I’m finding it more difficult than I thought to adjust to a love that is not abusive and draining. I have found it hard to accept a love that is not one-sided. Now, I know what a lot of people would say. “All of those things are not love…” But when you have only know that to be your idea of love in relationships that becomes the love that you believe in and that you know.    It’s so crazy that just a few short months ago, I finally believed that I was ready for the type of relationship and friendship that I deserved and then there you were, right there in my Bumble feed! Every day you are teaching me more and more about things that I never thought would be acceptable. You are teaching me that affect...

There are so many different steps to moving on that no one talks about. There is so much you want to say and do, but in the moment, you don’t know what you’re doing it for or who you’re doing it for. And when you’re in these situations where you are going through the process of ending something with someone – you forget about all the other times where you did it before. How you grieved, accepted, and carried on is the most distant memory and it’s so vague.     There are so many different ideas out there about how you should move on and how you should come to terms with accepting what you deserve, so we try them, and if you’re desperate like me…. You try them all.    I, not so recently, got out of a relationship that I put all of my heart into. I have never wanted anything more in this life for this relationship to be the one that would work because I fucking deserve for something to work. I don’t deserve to be the girl who came before the wife or the woman you create...

I feel like I should just make this a damn surverymonkey instead of a blog because I have so many freaking questions. First of all, can someone just tell me what runs through the male species mind when they are entertaining females? Like I need the actual break down because what the fuck.   This is my thing… I’m completely in a place in my life where I am starting to fully take responsibility for my character flaws and understand where I fall short. With that being said, I am well aware that I do not need to get myself into any sort of “entanglement” (as Jada Pinket Smith would say… *rolls eyes*) because this time of learning and coming to terms with myself is very vulnerable, AND MEN PREY ON THE VULNERABLE… at least the ones I seem to attract. BUT Let’s talk about entanglements anyway because I really need to know your thoughts. I think it is so interesting that this term is a literal buzzword right now because it seems like everyone is in at least one entanglement. I don’t want t...

Listen y’all, I’m pissed. If you are not aware, today is the 26 th  birthday of Ahmaud Arbery. On February 23, 2020, whilst on a run, Ahmaud’s life was taken from him in the most gruesome and horrific way. This IS a tragic loss for the black community and should be taken as a tragic loss across ALL communities. This is a man, a person, who was shot for exercising. If you aren’t black, can you picture this? Can you picture your dad, brother, or boyfriend leaving the house to go for a run and never seeing them again because they were hunted down and shot? Would you feel angry or can you even imagine how that feels? Do you even worry about it? Because I do.  Over the past few days I have had many feelings about this and how it takes a toll on everything I’ve been thinking about in terms of my life and future. The first thing that comes to mind is my future family. I want nothing more in this world than to be a mom someday. The idea of giving my love and passion to a child th...

A lot of truth is about to come out and there are only a handful of people who know the true story about this and what actually went down. I want to say that before I start, this is a “relationship” I avoid talking about and thinking about because it was so incredibly terrifying, damaging, and disgusting. I also want to put out the disclaimer that I am in no way looking for sympathy from this situation. This blog has been used as a medium to connect with men and women who have gone through similar experiences and to share my truth because that is what is therapeutic for me. This blog post will probably be one of my deeper ones and there may be some triggering content. Around the time that I was going through my relationship/breakup with the boy who changed my world (blog post here: https://lessonsfrommyexes.blogspot.com/2019/03/i-am-feeling-lot-of-love-in-my-heart.html ), I earned my first job through a family friend’s connections. This had me really excited that I was about to be ...

To my people: I have been having some FAT A** epiphanies as of lately, and I feel like I just needed to preach a little bit. In one of my recent blogs, I talked briefly about how time works against us (Here’s the linkypoo to that blog if you haven’t read it yet:  https://lessonsfrommyexes.blogspot.com/2019/04/lessons-from-boy-who-taught-me-to-love.html ) and I wanted to touch on that a little more, as well as empowerment. I have been feeling really empowered and this Beyoncé documentary on Netflix that I am watching with my roomie/bestie (SHOUTOUT MAKENNA FAITH) got me feeling like THAT B! We have days where we understand what we need, and we say it to ourselves in our heads. I have learned that it is important to write these things down because what we are capable of as humans and in our thoughts is some of the most important and profound work. I want to take a second to go back to a statement that I made in the blog about the boy who taught me to love myself. I said s...

Before I write all my blogs, there are a lot of things I have to do to get my mind right. The day I know that I am going to write, I feel all types of emotions. Sometimes I am really, REALLY happy that I got over everything I was feeling and got out of some pretty messed up situations. Sometimes I am EXTREMELY sad because in some of the relationships I feel like I didn’t get the closure I deserved or needed. But there is always one common emotion that I have before writing every blog and that is anxiety. This level of anxiousness often fluctuates depending on who I am writing about because I know that in writing about them, I am bringing up a lot of emotional baggage and being very vulnerable about it in the most positive way possible. To write my lessons and talk about different aspects of these relationships doesn’t come as easy as you may think. So, before I write, I take a couple of minutes and remember everything I possibly can about these people. From what I loved to what I...

This one will probably be most difficult to write about, so bear with me. I feel like we have a lot of expectations when it comes to relationships, love, and how we feel like it should look and feel. All of these expectations were thrown out the window for me after my last realish relationship (link to that blog: https://lessonsfrommyexes.blogspot.com/2019/03/lessons-from-boy-with-accent.html ). So I stopped looking. I was about to start going to a new school in a new place so I had the mindset that I was just going to do me, until I was there for about two days and it hit me right in my face. It was just another day after a day of practice, and I was sitting with my team eating dinner. All of a sudden I look up and see probably the most beautiful human being on the planet. Y'ALL. I didn’t believe in love at first sight until I saw this man. I was just in awe. I felt this weird pull that I just had to know him. I had to love him. It was the weirdest thing I have ever fe...

Yep. I fell in love with my best friend. *FAT EYE ROLL* Here's the story. In high school, I can’t lie - social pressures got the best of me. I took on many different personas and had the imagination of a little kid. There was only one point when I felt like my true self, and that was in the company of my best group of friends. This group of friends consisted of 3 boys and 1 other girl. Sure, the ratio was off, but this friend group wasn’t like that. These were some of the truest friends I would ever know and loving them was so easy, but there was one friend in particular that I felt beyond connected to. He was so special to me and still is. He was like a big brother, dad, role model and I don’t know how I landed a friend like him. In retrospect, I had the FATTEST crush on this kid coming into high school, so becoming his friend was just so confusing.  I could do some of the dumbest things on this planet and he would be right there to tell me how stupid it was, but he’d ne...

Well alright… another day, another blog about ANOTHER boy! Obviously if you have read my previous blog posts, I have been thrown into a lot situations when it comes to relationships and have learned a lot of different things. This one was no different. When I was on the up and outs with the homie from my last post, I met this guy. Mind you, this is when I lived in Iowa. Iowa was SO. SMALL. And my campus was even smaller (if that’s even possible). I lived on a campus that only housed soccer players, so I was living, eating with, and constantly breathing the same air as the same 40 people for two years. It doesn’t sound that bad until you’re in it, and it really wasn’t that bad after I met him. It was so stupid how it all started. Someone broke my laptop charger and of course I have the weirdest laptop on the whole entire planet, so no one had the same charger as me. When I was asking around, they all told me that they thought this boy had the same model laptop as me. Desperate...

I knew there was something weird about today, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. There was nothing out of the ordinary that happened. I had to wake up DUMB early for work, do some origami (don’t ask), walked around the little shopping center, took my pup to get his first professional grooming, and took a nap. Oh! I also found $20, so that was cool. Almost cool enough to make a sunny and warm day a whole lot better, but it didn’t. All day I found myself craving to get these words out about a boy that I never thought would still be on my mind to this day. This relationship thing was the first thing I got into after I went through a really hard time with my breakup from the guy I wrote my last blog about. It was the most unexpected thing ever. We had known each other throughout the entirety of my high school career, but it was this one night that changed everything. It was a Halloween party and mannnnn did I look cute! But anyway, I was in a pretty bad situation on this particu...